Side Chick Consulting

Occasionally when looking at the stats on this site, I notice a spike in the site views.  Being curious, I go and check to see what my wonderful readers are searching for and what they love doesnt hurtare reading.

Imagine my surprise to find that on several occasions, readers have been searching variations of “side chick consulting” and “side chick consultant” to land at my site.  I have written about side chicks and I am a Consultant at a Consulting Company so I can see how Google would make the connection.  This is not the issue…

The burning questions in my mind are, “Why are people searching for a side chick consultant?” and “What do they expect to gain from side chick consulting?”

After speaking with a few friends, here are a few things they think side chick consulting prospects are seeking:

  1. Advice on how to handle the holidays when their boo thang is with his main thang
  2. How do I avoid having feelings for a man that I know will never be mine
  3. Strategies to make him leave his main chick
  4. Tips to prevent him from cheating once you become the main chick
  5. What should I do if I want to confront his other woman

I’m not sure the real reason people are actively searching for a Side Chick Consultant.  If you have some ideas, please share them because I am uber curious!

I’m about to leave you…

Sitting here trying to work and this song by Kandi comes on… “I’m about to leave you for someone who will do the things you wouldn’t do…”

Click to watch video!

Click image to watch video!

Oddly, the song made me giggle a little because I thought about a previous relationship that I was in and I guess the guy thought I should consider myself lucky to be with him and that he didn’t have to do the things to keep me that he did to get me…

Who hasn’t been there?

Anyway, it just reminded me of how liberated I felt when I decided that I was about to leave HIM and go find me someone who was willing to do all the things he wouldn’t do.  I see so many women who stay in relationships knowing that they are not getting what they deserve (emotionally especially because I don’t have time to deal with the all the ways women short change themselves financially in relationships) but in their twisted logic, they feel that a piece of a man is better than no man.

Here’s my thing about that… why are you wasting your time??? It becomes very obvious to us – men and women – when things start to go down hill but we often hang on hoping and praying that something is going to change.

I was dating a guy and pretty early on he called me with the “its not you, its me” conversation.  Although he was babbling about some nonsense issues he needed to work out, I appreciated the fact that he recognized my desire for something serious and his inability to provide that and instead of stringing me along; he had the guts to call and cut it off.

Life is too short to waste it pretending.  I know that many people are caught in that flux between “do I settle for less than what I really want” or “do I hold out for that elusive perfect person” and my advice…

Don’t be afraid to compromise.  There is no perfect person but there is someone who is perfect for you.  Before singing “I’m about to leave you” or standing your ground; think about the 80/20 rule from “Why did I get married?”  Are you being foolish hanging on to someone who is only giving you 20% or are you about to throw away your 80%?

In my first situation, I was only getting 20% and I knew that I couldn’t live like that.  But in the second, the guy was far from perfect but he was a good 80% and I would have stayed to try to make it work but when he wanted to call it quits that early, I knew there was not a point in begging him to reconsider because he had already checked out.

Anyway, I gotta get back to work…

A Ding in My Heart…

What happens when a closed heart opens up?

I wonder how many single people are out there asking, “where in the fudge is my happily ever after?”

How do you resist the temptation to pimp slap people who ask

– Why are you still single?

– What’s wrong with you?

– When are you getting married?

Why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel so sad?

When will they finally accept that I am human too?

break_up_011

Yikes!!

All of that randomness just poured out but here is the point -> Some days, being single is the best thing in the world.  Some days, it just flat out sucks!! Ironically, the day you break up with the person you thought you were building a future with, is one of those days when it really sucks.

**warning: don’t read too much into my writing, some days i write based on (real and imagined) emotions…

Success Secret #43: I’m becoming the person I want to be…

This may sound strange for some but for many, you are doing the victory dance with me!

For so many years, I struggled with liking me.  I struggled with accepting the person that I am because I thought I wasn’t enough.  It wasn’t the critiques or comments from others that created my insecurities but my own negative self talk.  I would look around at other people and pick parts of their lives that I thought should fit into mine.

If I had a man like him, I would be happy.

If my hair looked like that, I would be happy.

If I lived in a house like that, I would be happy.

If I could buy all the clothes I want, I would would be happy.

If I drove that car, I would be happy.

If I had more money, my life would be perfect.

I wish I could tell you how many years, I spent on this mental rollercoaster of internal anxiety.  It was exhausting!  I was never satisfied because all I could see in my life was all the things that needed fixing.

This part is going to sound really strange… I was on a call recently and the moderator asked the group how they dealt with insecurities and inadequacies.  I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts in case I was selected to speak and it hit me…

I got over it! [insert another victory dance]

I quit reading all the self help blogs, articles and books.  I quit looking for answers to my “problems” because I realized that I wasn’t broken.  We have this misconception that life is supposed to be perfect and that everyone is supposed to like us and that all things are supposed to be great all of the time but they aren’t and they never will be.  We see every problem in our lives as an obstacle to our happiness instead of a part of the process.

Some people think I’m arrogant or stuck up because I don’t walk around broken and defeated.  They think I think I’m all of that because I walk with my head held high, shoulders back and confidently placing one six inch stiletto clad foot ahead of the next.  It’s not because my life is perfect or because I have everything figured out.  I decided to get over myself and stop dwelling in my deficiencies.

All that I am not makes me all that I am…

Somewhere along the journey I developed a relationship with God and in every place where I feel weak, inadequate, insecure or beat down; he has allowed me to lean on him and draw from his strength.  I no longer feel like I need the STUFF to make me happy.  I don’t need the approval of other people to validate my decisions.  My happy place is simply doing good for others, being good to myself and seeing the good all around me.  I don’t see my life as an incomplete puzzle that’s always missing the final piece to become complete.  My life is more like a never ending game of Jenga – it has its high moments where all the pieces come together and the low moments where all the pieces crumble – and I’m ok with both.

I will never arrive…

In the title I declared that I am BECOMING the person I want to be because I realized that perfection is not attainable.  All of the pieces won’t ever fit neatly together.  Social media has distorted our concept of happiness because we spend so much time looking at the highlight reels from other people’s lives through their tweets, Facebook posts and Instagram pictures until we forget that there is actually life to be lived.  Outside the few moments captured in virtual time, there are the real everyday ebbs and flows, hills and valleys of life and you can’t think that one day its all going to be smooth sailing because it won’t. In my mind, the arrival at perfect peace is death and I’m in no hurry to get there.

key-to-happiness

I found the keys to my happiness.

  1. My relationship with God.  I can do all things through Him when I am in line with His will.  I surrendered my life to be a living testimony of God’s ability to do miraculous things.  I try to focus on asking for nothing but wanting to give everything.
  2. I learned to love unconditionally.  I stopped wanting people to be anything other than who they are.  Not everyone has a place in my life.  I can love some people up close but some have to be loved from afar but I refuse to allow any negative feelings about anyone to dwell in my spirit.  I forgave everyone who has hurt me, especially those who never apologized.
  3. I realized that being the person I wanted to be was simply a matter of doing the things that she would do… 

I hope and pray that you find your keys too!

Order your copy of Success Secrets for the Young and Fabulous today.  It features profiles of nine professional young adults who share how they found their keys to success.  Available on Amazon.com

Is there a future in being a side chick?

Once again, I know the immediate answer is “no” but there has to be or there wouldn’t be so many of them.

Men and women have been unfaithful since the beginning of time but lately, I have wondered what is the benefit to being the chick on the side… I mean, how do you feel on holidays when you can’t be with your boo thang or when he has to rush home to go to bed with his wife? And if he isn’t doing those things, don’t you kinda wonder if he would be that disrespectful to you if you were the “main attraction” one day?

*closes eyes, covers ears*

When I was younger, I had relations with a married man.  It really was not all that it seems to be cracked up to be today.  I don’t know if I missed out on the benefit package but I *insert shocked face* consider myself a winner, a prize and knowing that MY man was going home to someone else, that her bills were paid and she was going to the holiday dinners and taking the family pics did not sit well with me… Needless to say, I was a salty side piece.

Even recently, I have had men who I know are in relationships approach me about being their side dish.  The first thing that comes to my mind is, “what is it about ME that makes YOU think I would settle for SECOND place?” Like seriously, I try to go all out in whatever I do and I can admit that I don’t always succeed but I don’t think I have ever attempted something thinking that I WANT to be second place.

Ok, enough of me… what is up with these chicks who WANT to be side chicks, who look for married or attached men?black and married with kids

Here’s the question I want to ask side chicks… Do you love yourself enough to trust and believe that you deserve ALL of the love that a man has to offer a woman? Can you unequivocally stand and say that you would wait a lifetime for a love to call your own or is the fear of not having anyone driving you into the arms of someone else’s man?

I don’t have the answers, but I have a lot of questions…

And, yes! We want to hear from the guys… What makes it ok to cheat on the woman who you supposedly love enough to commit to with a woman who you supposedly have no feelings for?  Isn’t it kinda arrogant to assume you deserve both and cowardly to not stand up and tell you main squeeze that you’re getting some juice on the side?

Why Me???

He seems too good to be true… Like the kind of guy that women don’t think exist any more and here we are…

Doing the things that couples do, saying the things that couples say…

I look online and see so many women longing for what I have right before me yet they don’t think he exists…

But here HE is!

Of course, I should be jumping for joy.  I should be elated that he’s here with me but…

The looming question that I want to ask is… “Why me??”

Not to sound neurotic or crazy or mildly (definitely not extremely) insane but you know how you just want to know how out of the millions of choices… How did he pick me out of all of those choices?

whyme

Every Super Woman Needs A Super Man

Although I’m not a Rick Ross fan (shocker), this song replays in my mind more often than I am actually comfortable admitting.  But after reading the lyrics – http://www.metrolyrics.com/here-i-am-lyrics-rick-ross.html – I realized that it’s not the song but the concept that every super woman needs a super man that has stuck with me.

As a self-proclaimed super woman – minister, author, mom, entrepreneur, community person – I definitely need a super man in my life.

super couple

Yeah, I can say it… An ordinary man just won’t do for me.  I want someone who will match my drive in business, someone who is intentional about investing time in his family, who wants to make a difference in his community AND who makes time for his relationship with God.  Sounds like a lot? It is… hence the need for a super man.

I have noticed that a lot of people, not just men OR women, are complacent in life.  And so many more are living their dreams through social media.  They post about these uptopic situations but off-line aren’t doing anything to achieve the dreams they constantly promote.

I can’t be the only one who has noticed this.

With social media being the consistent point of reference many of us have for getting to know a person, we often see people living these super lives online and then you meet for dinner and actually start discussing life, goals and all that other important stuff only to find out that its all a dream.  I’m not here to down the dreamers of the world but some people need the doers, the ones who aren’t afraid to leap from a tall building to start a business or to rush into traffic to get to their kids’ school on time.

So… what’s so great about super people being together?  Being super is hard work!  If you’re not with an overachiever, then you have someone in your ear saying, you don’t have to do all that, they’re meeting AGAIN, you’re doing too much when you really want to hear that everything is going to be ok, I’ve got the kids tonight, don’t pay any attention to the naysayers because you’ve got this.  Super people can come home, take off their capes, remove the masks and let the insecurities hang out without fear of losing their super status.

I love the Marvel superheros but it always makes me kinda sad toward the end when they break up with their love interest at the end of the movie.  These break ups happen because they know that super people and ordinary people can’t work.  Dang, isn’t that harsh??? But think about it… Wouldn’t it be hard to commit to someone who is at home vegging out on reality tv while you’re trying to save the world?

Anyway, that’s my two cents… What do you think? Can a super woman/man find happily ever after with a mere mortal?