Is there a future in being a side chick?

Once again, I know the immediate answer is “no” but there has to be or there wouldn’t be so many of them.

Men and women have been unfaithful since the beginning of time but lately, I have wondered what is the benefit to being the chick on the side… I mean, how do you feel on holidays when you can’t be with your boo thang or when he has to rush home to go to bed with his wife? And if he isn’t doing those things, don’t you kinda wonder if he would be that disrespectful to you if you were the “main attraction” one day?

*closes eyes, covers ears*

When I was younger, I had relations with a married man.  It really was not all that it seems to be cracked up to be today.  I don’t know if I missed out on the benefit package but I *insert shocked face* consider myself a winner, a prize and knowing that MY man was going home to someone else, that her bills were paid and she was going to the holiday dinners and taking the family pics did not sit well with me… Needless to say, I was a salty side piece.

Even recently, I have had men who I know are in relationships approach me about being their side dish.  The first thing that comes to my mind is, “what is it about ME that makes YOU think I would settle for SECOND place?” Like seriously, I try to go all out in whatever I do and I can admit that I don’t always succeed but I don’t think I have ever attempted something thinking that I WANT to be second place.

Ok, enough of me… what is up with these chicks who WANT to be side chicks, who look for married or attached men?black and married with kids

Here’s the question I want to ask side chicks… Do you love yourself enough to trust and believe that you deserve ALL of the love that a man has to offer a woman? Can you unequivocally stand and say that you would wait a lifetime for a love to call your own or is the fear of not having anyone driving you into the arms of someone else’s man?

I don’t have the answers, but I have a lot of questions…

And, yes! We want to hear from the guys… What makes it ok to cheat on the woman who you supposedly love enough to commit to with a woman who you supposedly have no feelings for?  Isn’t it kinda arrogant to assume you deserve both and cowardly to not stand up and tell you main squeeze that you’re getting some juice on the side?

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Should you commit to someone who doesn’t want a commitment?

I know that sounds crazy…

The obvious answer is, heck no!

But.. (there’s always a but when we are trying to justify doing the illogical)…

What if you are seeing someone who says they don’t want a commitment but you think they are perfect for you? Everything about them crosses off on your ideal mate list EXCEPT they don’t want to be in a relationship.

When you are together, you do the things couples do.  You don’t THINK they are seeing anyone else but of course being in an uncommitted committed relationship prevents you from actually asking.  You even speak couple language – we, us, ours…

I mean when you consider all of that you would be crazy not to try to lock this person down.  Why keep searching when you’ve found your person? Right???

WRONG!!

uncommited

One of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is falling in love with potential.  It’s not always the potential of what a person could become professionally but the potential of a relationship.  I have seen it so many times… A person thinks if they keep doing all the right things then eventually the other person will change their mind and decide to settle down.

Now you know that I am a self-proclaimed relationship expert so don’t take my advice and go break up with your boo thang but I would encourage you to consider what I am about to say…

If you are with someone and they tell you that they don’t want to commit… Believe them!

If you want to stay with them and do all the things that a committed person does with a person who isn’t committed to you, do it without expecting them to change.

If your relationship clock is ticking and you think you need to settle down right now, go find you someone who wants to settle down now too.  I know that means leaving your comfortable good thang but if having a commitment is that important to you, why are you leaving your future in the hands of someone who obviously doesn’t want the same thing as you?

How long does it take to fall out of love?

I’ve seen a couple of posts and heard a morning talk show discussing the seven-year itch now becoming the three-year glitch.

When I first read the headline on Yahoo.com, I didn’t pay it much attention but did kind of wonder what they were talking about.  One morning while watching an early show, the host was about to introduce a popular actor who has been married for three years.  Strangely, the host mentioned this topic along with his introduction of the actor.  I think the actor was a little embarrassed that they would infer his marriage was starting to lose its luster, especially after such a period.

One of my relationship fears is getting involved with someone who thinks it’s ok to fall out of love as easily as we fell for each other.  I know that relationships will  have their ups and downs but how do you survive those low points.  I enjoy meeting guys and fantasizing about a future with them but it honestly scares me to think about committing the rest of my life to them.  My fear is not grounded in my inability to commit but the strength of my desire to stick with it forever.  I often think I want something that lifetime commitments aren’t possible to attain in our society.  I want someone who I can let down my guard with and honestly stand before God and man to proclaim my love through sickness and health, for richer or for poorer, in good times and bad until death do we part.

Part of the issue is me. I start to get to know someone and know from the time that we spend together that I can’t make those proclamations.  Despite how great the person looks on paper, as in once you list all of their qualifications, I know that my heart isn’t there. The other part of the issue is fear.  Yes, I can admit that I am afraid of falling head over heels in love only to find that he doesn’t love me back.  I am afraid of mentally, emotionally and spiritually committing my life to a man and three years later I find out there is a glitch in our relationship or seven years later he has an itch that I can’t scratch.

I don’t know what the solution is or how I will  overcome this mental hang-up and make the ultimate committment but I think acknowledging the problem is the beginning to finding a solution.

Just because you can…

Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean that you should do it.

This is especially true if you are good at doing a certain thing.  People will see your ability and try to figure out how they can use it to their benefit.  Just because you can do a thing, doesn’t mean that you should, especially if it is not in line with your goals and passions.  When evaluating your involvement in a potential project, make sure that it is a mutually beneficial situation otherwise it will be hard to fully commit yourself, even if you know that you have the ability to do it.

More than 140… is a new segment to my blog.  I don’t always have time to write 500 words but sometimes have things on my mind that require more than 140 characters so check in often for my morsels of thought.

7 ways to know if it’s love

How many times have you thought that you were in love only to realize that it was lust or the person was sent into your life for just a season? How many times have you stayed in a relationship longer than you should have because you could not figure out if it love or not.  How many times have you wished you had the answers in the beginning to save yourself and the other person some heart ache and pain?

Today is your lucky day!

Check out these 7 ways to know if it’s love… if not, it is something else and I will let you figure what the something else is…

  1. Love is a choice. If you think that you are on an emotional rollercoaster and can’t control your feelings then you are probably correct.  Love is not this uncontrollable thing that makes us crazy.  When you love someone, you have to remind yourself, sometimes daily, that this is the person that you choose to be with.  No one is perfect so they will make you mad, make you feel like breaking down but if it is really love, you would rather be with them than without them. The temptation to escape your situation, even temporarily, will come at every turn and if you feel as though you have no control then you will act as if you have no control.
  2. Love requires time. Always remember quality over quantity.  Sometimes people get confused and think that you have to spend every free moment with another person, however, you want to be sure that you are giving the best of yourself to that person instead of the most.  You need to be present, living in the moment.  Leave all of the could’ve, should’ve and would’ves at the door.  Focus on what you have and where you are in the moment.
  3. Love is a priority. You make time for what’s important to you.  Just as you should choose to spend time with the person you love, that person should be priority and not an afterthought.  When you are thinking of what to do with your day or your life, that person should be a part of the plan.  This does not mean that you must center your life around them but they should be a blip on your radar, a star on the map.
  4. Love appreciates. When you really love someone you don’t try to change them.  You love them “because of” and not “in spite of” them.  You don’t look at their flaws and think of ways to change them rather you realize that their assets and flaws combined compose the person that you love.  I once dated a guy that would tell me all of the things that he thought was wrong with me.  At one point, I realized that he didn’t love me.  He thought because I was so flawed, no one else would love me so I should stick with him. *Note: we are no longer together.
  5. Love makes you vulnerable. (Oh boy! This is the one that I have trouble with.) When you love someone, you let down your guard and let them in.  You make yourself emotionally available to share with the other person.  Yes, you talk about feelings, your past, your present and your future.  Most important, you are honest.  Effective communication requires trust because once you let your guard down and begin sharing, you are trusting this person to take care of the information you are sharing and to accept you as you are.
  6. Love comes with sacrifice. As if 1-5 were not sacrifice enough, love is about compromise.  It is about realizing that you will not always be right nor will the other person always be right but you will meet each other in the middle.  Sometimes you will want to eat one thing or go one place while your mate will want something different.  You know it’s love when you willingly give in to make the person happy and they do the same for you.
  7. Love requires commitment. When you love someone, you don’t want anyone else.  Even though they may not be able to give you everything that you want; you appreciate them, you share with them and you make them a priority in your life.  Love is not something that you do every once in a while or when you are in the mood but it is something that you choose to do everyday and at all times.

When you love someone you give it your all.  You leave nothing on the table.  You don’t hold back.  There is no Plan B.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

To cheat or not to cheat…

Have you ever met someone and knew that they were perfect for you except… you had someone and they had someone and both of you were too honest to do the wrong thing.  Damn conscious!

Doesn’t it get worse when you see this person almost everywhere you go?  You have some of the same friends.  You enjoy the same things.  You have to pretend like that magnetic chemistry that makes you want to tear his clothes off doesn’t exist.

Oh yeah, life starts feeling really good when you start seeing each other while you are each with your significant others.  Everyone is having such a good time but all you can do is fantasize about being alone with the forbidden one.

The last straw comes when you are in the heat of the moment with the one you love, you look up and see the face of the one you desire…

I’m looking forward to seeing your answers…. don’t worry they’re anonymous 😉