10 Lessons Learned While Dating in My 30s

As scary as it is to admit that I am knocking on the door of the big 4-0, I am starting to realize that dating now versus my 20’s is a totally different ball game.  And this game… Uggghhhh… So, here are ten things that I have learned about dating and about myself:


  1. Don’t be afraid to compromise but be clear about what you are compromising.  I have found myself in some situations where I have been called hard, tough, uncompromising, etc but often the issues that I am being called to compromise on – aren’t really in my best interest or the best interest of the “relationship”.  They usually seem to be beneficial to the other person. #iPass 
  2. God is not going to bless me with some one else’s husband.  I saw that posted by a friend, Makasha Dorsey, and it really struck a cord with me because I have met several married men who swear their marriage is in shambles, they aren’t happy, etc but the fact is – they go home to their wife every night.  Why should I be someone’s side chick?  Why should I want to settle?  How could I believe God would bless that?  If a guy really wants to be with you and he’s married, give him time to fix that situation and then get back with you.  You don’t want a man to leave his wife for you because chances are, he will leave you for someone else.  His integrity should cause him to want to do the right thing.
  3. Unpack your own bags.  I read a post that said something along the lines of we all have baggage, find someone who cares enough to help you unpack.  I totally disagree.  Work on yourself so that you can be open and free for the person who is interested in you.  Why put them through the strife of fixing the mess someone else created?
  4. If you can’t trust him/her, then you shouldn’t be dating the person.  Plain and simple.  If you can’t trust the words that come from the person’s mouth to match their actions, you are going to have serious problems.  If you say you’re going to do something, do it.  Ain’t no body got time to check you on every promise you make.  Either quit over promising and under delivering or step up and be who you say you are.
  5. Dating is the time to get to know a person before you make a commitment.  I can’t tell you how many “dates” I’ve been on where the other person thought we were in a relationship after the first date.  To me, the interview process is just getting started.  I need to know some things before I commit my future to you.  I have questions.  I need to see some consistency.  
  6. Be selective about who you share your dating with.  I don’t publicly date (meaning I don’t post pics on social media of the guys I go out with) because I don’t want everyone in my business sharing their two cents but if I find myself becoming interested, I’m not afraid to pull out my detective kit and do a little background checking among some mutual friends.  But keep negative, unhappy people far away from your potential happiness.
  7. Sex is not the glue that holds a relationship together.  Sex is like the icing on the cake, if its good (lol) but the glue – the butter in the cake – should be your ability to communicate with each other.  Find someone that you can talk about anything with, someone that you can trust with your past experiences and future dreams.  If you always feel like you’re having two different conversations, that the person isn’t hearing you; that’s a problem because you need more than an O to keep you coming home every night.  
  8. Don’t date potential.  Date someone based on who they are TODAY because they may never become the person that they are planning to become.  You need to be able to love them exactly as they are and if things get better – consider it a bonus.
  9. Relationships are a two way street.  Just because you’re interested doesn’t mean the other person feels the same way.  Be clear about what you want and be open to hearing whether the other person feels the same way.  Don’t get mad if they don’t and don’t pretend that they didn’t say what they just said if they said it.
  10. If he’s interested, you will know.  The best advice that I can give any woman is to let a man be a man and if he’s interested, he will let you know.  Men are pretty straight forward creatures and when they want something, they usually go for it and you don’t have to wonder.  They may have some questionable methods but for the most part, a man who invests his time into you is probably interested.  If he actually asks questions and wants to get to know you, he’s definitely interested.  If his idea of seeing you or spending time with you only happens when sex is involved, cut your loses because he isn’t really interested.  If he thinks spending money or giving you money should be enough, he’s definitely not interested and you shouldn’t settle for being a modern day prostitute.

You may not agree with the lessons that I’ve learned so feel free to share yours…


4 thoughts on “10 Lessons Learned While Dating in My 30s

  1. buffyanissa says:

    Nice article Lakesha, awesome job at being concise and holding my attention! Forty (in my case 43) is so much greater than I expected it to be on so many levels…Enjoy every minute!


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