Will he respect you more if you wait to have sex?

As a minister and evolved woman, the answer to this question should be a simple “yes”.  But I would be lying because that’s not what I really believe.

Most guys (not all guys) don’t really care whether you wait to have sex with them or not.  In fact, as much as they like sex, that’s not really a determining factor in their decision to wife you or make you their girlfriend.  Think about the number of guys that you know that are in sexually unfulfilling relationships.   Trust me, it’s a lot of them out there living with average sex.  While there are more than a few married to women who gave it up pretty quickly.

As shallow as we like to believe that guys are, a lot of them place more emphasis on who you are as a person than how quickly they can get you in bed.  Most guys can tell within a few minutes whether you are the type of woman that they would be interested in pursuing a relationship with, not based on whether they think they are about to score, but based on how well the two of you relate to each other.

So if your reason for not having sex with a guy is because you think that he will respect you more, I challenge you to rethink that philosophy.

You should wait to have sex because YOU respect YOU.  

So often, we worry about what other people think of us or how they see us but you should be more concerned with what’s important to you.  What do you value?  Do you value feeling a physical connection with the person you are interested in? If so, make sure that both of you are clear about your feelings and where the relationship is headed then enjoy creating the connection.  Do you value taking time to get to know a person before you become intimate?  If so, then hold out because it’s important to you and not because you are trying to manipulate his feelings.  Trust me, it doesn’t work.  You can wait one day or one hundred days.  If a guy is really feeling you then he’s going to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, that includes waiting until marriage to sleep with you.  Set the standard based on what’s important to you and not some gimmick.

I think that sex is an important part of relationships because it is a form of communication between two people.  A lot is said with your physical communication that can’t always be said verbally.  Many times, we rush into sexual situations trying to express something that we aren’t ready to verbally communicate.  The problem isn’t the sex but the miscommunication about our feelings, beliefs and thoughts.  Having sex creates an emotional bond that is sometimes stronger for one person than the other but none the less, it exists.  Even if you have a one night stand with someone, that person may pop into your head every now and again because you created a connection with them.  However, when you are in a relationship with healthy communication outside of the bedroom, what happens when the two of you get naked should strengthen the relationship and reinforce the feelings that you have already expressed.

You can have a ninety day waiting rule, like Steve Harvey suggested in “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” but if during those ninety days you haven’t spent time bonding and getting to know each other, you might as well had slept with him on the first date.  If you all were not getting along or were arguing during that time, having sex isn’t going to change anything.

There are so many social media therapists ready to tell you to do this or that to get a man or to keep a man but here’s my unprofessional advice…

Do what is going to make you feel like the best person that you can be!

Quit worrying about being sexy and having sex.  Focus more on getting to know people and when it’s time for the right man to come along then he will come.  Holding out, having sex or becoming celibate should be a decision that you make because it  promotes your values and beliefs. Being a person with strong character, willing to stand for whatever you believe, will speak more to him than any relationship rules.

Image courtesy of doveeyes.com

Image courtesy of doveeyes.com

 

**Don’t forget there are other ways to express intimacy than just having sex…

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6 thoughts on “Will he respect you more if you wait to have sex?

  1. This is such an important conversation and important topic to think about and make your decision about BEFORE beginning a new relationship. My husband and I chose to remain celibate before marrying and overcame temptation with help from the Holy Spirit and wise counsel from trusted mature advisors who share our same Faith. For years before I dated him, I made a conscious decision to change my relationship with myself and the way that I viewed sex and relationships with men. I diligently mentored myself by reading books about this topic by Christian authors and by attending sermons and studying the Bible. I learned to love and respect myself and take better care of my body, finances and life. I also learned to be more watchful over who I allowed myself to be friends with, both men and women. All of these things combined together put me in a situation where I was surrounded by people who loved and respected the real me and who I also loved unconditionally and respected. My husband was one of my closest trusted friends before we married, and has remained that way at each phase of our relationship even during hard times when my issues made me into a bad friend. He waited until after marriage for our sex life together to begin because He is a man of faith who walks in unconditional love as a true friend to me. That foundation of agape unconditional love stays with us even after 12+ years of marriage. I am grateful that I waited on sex and allowed our relationship to evolve when we were dating and engaged.

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    • Thanks for sharing Donna. It makes me happy that you got what I was saying because I was kinda concerned that people would think I was endorsing having sex before marriage. I think you made some very key points about loving yourself, respecting yourself and having a closer relationship with God… when we do those things then we don’t want to engage in destructive behaviors like being promiscuous but I see so many people who try to use sex as a tool, weapon or bargaining chip in relationships and that doesn’t lead to anything productive.

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      • Absolutely, LaKesha. And the other thing that I’ve seen a lot, especially with folks who’ve been around the block a few times, is the reluctance to develop discipline in our own sex lives, and secret sex addictions that manifest in various ways.

        It is totally impossible to be sexually pure if you don’t want to keep that part of your life under control when you’re alone and no one else is looking.

        This is something that I struggled with for most of my young adult life, but I finally came to terms with it and allowed God to strengthen and empower me in this area BEFORE I got into the relationship that would become my future marriage.

        Marriage does not fix sex addictions or “lust problems”, just as much as standing at a salad bar every day can’t fix eating problems or food/sugar addictions. lol

        You have to desire to allow God to be your strength in this area. You have to desire to obey His Word in this area. As my first lady says, He’ll keep you IF you WANT to be kept.

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  2. Good read. Since I like speaking from experiences, it’s always interesting to note how the longest I’ve ever waited to sex a woman is 3 years and it’s no coincidence how this woman was my greatest love of them all. Why? well, it had nothing to do with sex. and everything to do with the intimacy we shared.

    If sex vs intimacy was the BCS Championship game…SEX would be Notre Dame and INTIMACY would be Alabama.

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