Have you ever been (or are you now) in one of those relationships where the chemistry is more like chaos?
I remember dating a guy who was the total opposite of me… he wasn’t a planner, didn’t have any long-term goals, had a really casual attitude about life. Yes, I am the opposite of that… I plan for almost every scenario, I have goals (immediate, short-term, intermediate, long-term) and I enjoy life but I take it pretty seriously because I want to maximize my time on earth.
Anyway, while we were dating it seemed like our differences fueled many passionate discussions, which could later be looked upon as arguments. I tried to look past our differences and rationalized them to be the chemistry that kept us together, after all opposites attract, right?
Not always… I have seen some relationships held together by the chaos of each person’s differences but they also rationalized the arguments to be a part of their chemistry. But I wonder, does it take all of that to coexist? If you are so different until it creates arguments or constant disagreement then how stable is your relationship?
For some of us, it is important to take a step back and ask ourselves if the chaos is making us stronger or driving a wedge between us. Although you may not like the answer, it’s a question worth asking. When I was in this situation, I had to realize that the main reason I was hanging on was because I was ready to get married and thought no matter how different we were, I could find a way to deal.
If you are in a relationship and telling yourself that you will find a way to look past this and that or that this thing doesn’t really matter then you are as delusional as I was. I think a solid relationship is built on general chemistry. Does that mean that you will agree about everything? No! But it means that those differences draw you closer and you learn from one another. His/her weakness could be your strength and you trust each other enough to reveal those weaknesses while relying on the other’s strengths.
Doing that requires…
- Communication – not just you talking and the other person listening but both of you talking and both of you listening
- Trust – that’s a tough one because a lot of us (including me) have trust issues, we have been let down so many times in the past until we are afraid to let go and trust but if you are working on something solid, you have to be able to trust
- Honesty – it is essential that you are able to believe the words coming out of the other person’s mouth, you also have to stop frontin’ and be honest about who you really are…
- Compromise – when the relationship is good, no one thinks about winning and losing because if one is losing then you both are and the same is true for winning, you should be with a person who doesn’t view the relationship as a competition rather a partnership
I hope these tips helped you think about whether your relationship is built on chemistry or chaos (Bonus: if it is built on chaos, you don’t have to break up, start communicating in an honest way to build trust and learn to compromise but remember it takes two…)
Want more relationship advice from me?
- Order your autographed copy of “Is She The ONE?”
- Check out Relationships 101 on this blog
- Check out Relationships Q&A and submit a relationship question to me
- Listen to past episodes of Late Night with LaKesha on Blog Talk Radio