My reality check

I’ve mentioned in several recent blogs about the “bad days” that I have been having…

Well, yesterday came with a reality check.  You know how you know things about yourself that you don’t tell other people.  I haven’t been feeling 100% but it’s easy to push past the feelings and continue doing what I do.  The vision get a little blurred but I close my eyes and refocus.  I tinkle five times more than average but working from home, no one knows.  A little numbness in my legs and tingling in my fingers, it all goes away after a while.  I tell myself that I have to stay mentally tough and keep moving forward because it is easy to hide what ails you with a smile and a kind word for someone else.

As most of you know, I have diabetes. I wish I could say that I am a good diabetic but I am not.  I have an insatiable sweet tooth for cookies and cake.  I don’t count my carbs and some days I forget to take my insulin.  I guess I had a superwoman complex and didn’t really believe that those things would affect me.  However, part of me knows differently but just won’t admit it.

Well… there are some things like doctor’s appointments and blood work that make it hard for you to avoid the truth.  The sick (no pun intended) thing about diabetes is that it has the power to kill you from within by a variety of means, nerve damage, heart damage, kidney damage, even a loss of eye sight.  Needless to say, my lack of care for myself has made me vulnerable on all fronts.

I spent most of the day crying because it dawned on me exactly how serious the problem is.  The crazy thing is that I have “known” all along but it just didn’t really seem like it would happen to me.  I didn’t really believe that I could be susceptible to any of these conditions, after all isn’t having the disease and being relegated to a life of daily insulin shots enough? Apparently not, especially if I’m not taking the insulin regularly.

I feel like I am always giving advice to others, trying to take care of everyone else and making sure they are living their best life that I forgot about taking care of myself. Every time I looked at my son, I got a reality check about what’s really important.  I realized that no matter how many times I tell him that I love him, kiss  him or hug him that I didn’t know how many would be enough to last his lifetime.  I thought about all of the milestones to come in his life and realized how important it is for me to be healthy and alive to share them with him.

Yep, my doctor’s visit yesterday was a serious reality check for me.  I have to go back next week for a follow-up but I already know that we have some “issues” to deal with but moving forward, I have to commit to doing better.

You see living young and fabulous isn’t about having a bunch of stuff, going to great parties or being a trendsetter.  On the outside, many people look like they have it going on but on the inside there are some things that each of us are battling.  I am committed to winning the war with diabetes, if not for myself then for my son because living young and fabulous is most of all about living.

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15 thoughts on “My reality check

  1. steve says:

    My mother developed type 1 diabetes at age 35. She never became completely serious about her health, diet, etc. until she suffered kidney failure. Only then did she embrace a health regimen, evidence of the self-love and self-repect missing in those earlier years. We had 5 more wonderful years with her until she died.

    Her sister, on the other hand, developed type 1 diabetes before age 10, but immediately became fanatic about taking care of her health, self-administering her insulin, and excercising religiously. She lived well into her 70s, and ultimately died of brain cancer completely unrelated to her diabetes. She lived to see the births of her grand children, something my mother never experienced, to my regret and the regret of those grandchildren.

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    • Steve, I feel like I am at the fork in the road with those two choices and I know which one I should choose but I haven’t been taking it seriously. This round of doctor appointments has definitely opened my eyes to the reality of my situation.

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      • steve says:

        Kesha, since you have been so honest, I’ll be a bit more honest. Your choices regarding your diabetes thus far have been selfish, to those who love you and count on you. I don’t know that I would be any less selfish, but fortunately for me, I haven’t been forced to make that choice.

        And one thing I left out about my mom in the reply: the kidney failure was 100% a result of not managing her diabetes. So while we had five wonderful years after she wen on dialysis, had she managed as her sister did, I believe she would have had 15 more years.

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  2. CadenceOn says:

    This is a very thoughtful post reflecting openness and inner feelings about a problem that so many people and their loved ones encounter. Thanks for sharing your personal reflections.

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    • I know that diabetes is prevalent in our society and there are a lot of people out there like me, who don’t think that anything bad will happen to them. The truth is that this is a serious disease and I hope everyone, including me, takes it seriously.

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  3. Chuck says:

    Although I don’t have diabetes, I feel that I directly relate to your struggle and understand the thinking that brought you to your current situation. By default, I’m one of those ‘all or nothing’ types. If I’ve decided to pursue something then you get 100%. At the surface this seems great, but you don’t have to dig too deep before you realize that this is imbalanced. Like you, I’ve had to learn and accept that in order to fulfill my purpose I also have to take time to care for me. I even learned that God instructs us to do so (our body is not ours, but His temple <- paraphased). All of this is just to say, don't feel guilty about taking and making time to care for yourself. Because at the end of the day, the people who TRULY care about you are excited simply to have YOU!

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    • It’s odd that I give this advice all of the time but haven’t been living it. Stress, lack of exercise and uncontrolled eating all contribute to high blood sugar and they are things that I can control but don’t. Sharing this message was a little difficult because it forced me to be honest about the situation but it is also helping to hold me accountable to living in the light.

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  4. Roderick Frizzelle says:

    Wonderful… I love your openness.. It inspires me… Because that is what I have been battling with in my life… I will be more open.. Thank You..

    I was listening to a wise person not long and she said that 1st we must take care of you because the best you is what GOD wants us to be and to express to the world… So we need YOU to take care of YOU so we can experience the best YOU possible 🙂

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  5. I totally empathise with your blog and understand what you are going through. I am also one who can advise others and help them make the right choices, whilst in the interim I forget to apply the same principles to myself.

    It is easy to be in denial about having diabetes and pass off the odd tingling or numbness as a passing phase. But the reality is diabetes kills and we need to be more vigilant at looking after our personal diabetic issues and accept that we have a life threatening illness called Diabetes.

    Your blog reinforces my commitment to looking after my diabetes better.

    Thanks
    Redshenk

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  6. Realize “that no matter how many times [you] tell him that [you] love him, kiss him or hug him that…” taking good care of yourself is also an ACT of love for your son. Losing you or seeing you suffer would be so painful and scary for him. You sound like a great mother so if you won’t do it for yourself, at the very least take care of yourself to protect your child and SHOW him how much you love him. Make him your lifesaver 🙂

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