Most guys will say that they want certain characteristics in a woman but once they see those traits in person, it suddenly becomes more of a reason to not move forward than a reason to make the connection. Here are my top seven reasons guys initially think I am the ideal mate but after about three months, they realize that the reality is different from what they’ve been fantasizing about.
- I’m an independent woman. Most guys say the want a woman who is driven, successful and takes care of herself. Until… that means that I work about ten hours per day including weekends, my BlackBerry and/or laptop are rarely far from me and I have to travel frequently. It looks great on paper except most guys end up feeling like they take second place to my work. That is never my intention but I left home when I was 15 which means I have been taking care of myself for almost 18 years. It is hard to push all of that to the side just because you want to spend time with me. I make time for my relationships but somehow (see #4) it doesn’t seem to be enough. On the flip side, being independent also means that I’m not one of those girls that’s going to call asking you to help pay my light bill or needing $20 for some arbitrary bill. I believe that if you are my man, you should want to provide for me (more about that in #3). Correlation ->> the more you are doing to help provide for me, the less I have to work…see how that works? You have to pay the cost to be the boss.
- I’m a beautiful woman. Oh yes… this is a classic. So you liked the way I dressed and looked when we met but now that we are together, you think I shouldn’t be so attractive because you don’t want other guys looking at me. Or… you are ok with me looking good but when we are out, you want to hold on to me so tight until I can’t breathe (refer again to #4). I dated a guy and he got upset because I was wearing a mini-skirt and some other guy was checking me out. He even asked me not to wear the skirt again. Really? Needless to say, that one incident was a red flag of other insecurities and jealousy tendencies that later manifested in the relationship. If you trust me, like I trust you, you shouldn’t care if other guys admire my attractiveness. If you are handling your business, you shouldn’t have to worry about some other dude taking me away. But if you aren’t taking care of business (and most guys know when this is the case)…
- I want a traditional relationship. Most guys think they want a traditional relationship but they only want one in theory. When I was growing up, my grandparents were my relationship role models. Both of my grandfathers were the leaders of the family, spiritually and financially. They set the tone for how the household would be run. One of my grandmothers was a stay at home mom and the other worked but the family was taken care of financially by my grandfathers, they were very involved in the church and my grandmothers cooked, cleaned and took care of the children. Most guys think they want this type of relationship but as soon as you need them or start to rely on them financially, they start thinking you’re just with them for their money or that you are gold digger. What’s even worse is when they try to throw it in your face that they did this or they did that for you… Really? Many women are resistant to depend on a man because they are not dependable. I am amazed at the number of men who are content to allow a woman to take care of them while they stick their chest out in public wanting everyone to believe he’s the man. Sorry, no can do. If you want to be the man, then step up and prove that you are capable of taking care of a family. I’m not the kind of woman that will ask you for anything because if you are really the man that you say you are, you should know your role and play it willingly. I shouldn’t have to tell you what to do.
- I like to give him his space. I used to think that guys in relationships with nagging or overbearing women were miserable and that a guy would actually prefer to be with someone who treats him like an adult. I was wrong. Although guys say that they want space and to be able to go out with their friends and do what they want. Most guys can’t handle freedom. They don’t know what to do if you are not calling or texting every hour. They think it means that you don’t care about them. Wow! I have one kid, I don’t have time to babysit a grown man. I don’t need to know where you are going, who you are going with or what you are going to be doing every minute. I prefer the highlights. Somehow this attitude translates into a license to cheat. Really? Why can’t it be about trust?
- I’m a great single mom. At first guys think this is awesome until they realize that I can’t just leave on a whim, I have to make provisions for the care of my son. I can’t spend all night just kicking it with you because my son needs quality time as well. There is a balance between having a relationship and being a single parent. I don’t have anyone to help me so everything that happens in my son’s life is my responsibility. Part of being a great single mom is not letting every guy that I date come into my son’s life. In Steve Harvey’s book, “Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man” he recommends introducing your children to the person you are dating sooner rather than later. I don’t agree. As the most prominent female role model in my son’s life, it is my obligation to display healthy relationship patterns. Allowing him to experience the trials and errors of dating along with me would be more traumatic than helpful. There is a time and place for everything. I would never be dishonest about having a child and as things progress, we could certainly integrate him into the situation but you need my stamp of approval first.
- I want to take it slow. This one is the biggest shocker. I don’t like to think about marriage or getting into a committed relationship until at least three months into dating, ideally six months. I have been out with several guys that start talking about marriage and commitment within the first five dates. I find myself being the one saying we should take it slow. Things always seem wonderful in the beginning but after the trial period (three to six months) you start to see the real person. I need to get to know you before I decide to commit to you because I take commitment seriously. I would rather date a few people, get to know them and then decide how to move forward.
- I don’t like talking about my feelings. Most guys say they don’t like to talk about their feelings but I find myself having the “relationship conversation” almost daily when I am dating someone. Is it really necessary to check the pulse of our relationship that often? My theory, and tell me if I’m wrong, if we are still together then our relationship should be ok. There are thousands of other topics that we can discuss, why does it always have to be about our relationship? I feel like this conversation is stressing me out and I would be somewhere else doing something else.
These are not absolutes for every woman or every man so don’t get all wound up if you don’t fit these scenarios. However, these are issues that I have dealt with my dating experiences. I think I am on track to find a husband but in God’s time… no need to rush it 🙂