As you know (or should know by now), I am using my blog to work out some of my relationship issues. One of the questions stuck in the back of my mind and I would love for some married couples or people in long term relationships to help me with is:
What’s left when two become one?
When you are single or dating, you each have your own life, your own friends, most of the time you each have your own place. However, it seems like when you get married everything is supposed to combine. I was an only child for 13 years and by the time my brother was born, I was packing up to go to boarding school. For two years I shared a room but my roommates were super cool and it was only for a few months during the year. At Vanderbilt I had a single room during my first year and moved off campus into a one bedroom apartment. I hope you can see where this is going. I haven’t ever really had to share a space or my stuff. I have been independent since I was 15 and wonder how I will cope with joining forces to become one. Aside from my son, I have only shared space with one boyfriend, concluding that relationship, I didn’t think I would ever want to live with another man.
One theory about joining forces that I have heard is that if it is true love then losing a part of yourself won’t matter. I have also heard that you don’t really lose a part of yourself, you combine to become a better working unit. Unfortunately, this is not what I’ve seen. I’ve seen couples get married and immediately think that they possess the other person. I have seen couples still trying to operate as single units. I have seen people struggle to reestablish their identity after saying, “I do” because they don’t know if they are still the same person or if they should become someone else.
These are some questions that I have and hopefully the answers will help me become a better half of my future partnership. When two become one in a marriage…
- do you have to like your partner’s friends or it is ok to stick with your own friends?
- is it necessary to combine finances or can you keep separate finances and contribute to a household account?
- how much alone time are you allowed to have or does that defeat the intent of becoming a unit?
- do you have to take all of your vacations together or are girl/boy’s trips ok?
- can you split up during the holidays and each go to your own family’s celebration or do you have to travel as a unit?
I have many other questions but let’s start with these. I am anxious to hear your thoughts…