Interracial Dating

I’ve noticed quite a few posts and blogs about interracial dating and even had a request for me to express my views on interracial dating so here goes.

I have never discriminated against a guy who wanted to date me because of his race or even his finances (that’s another post for another day).  I tend to judge a guy based on the way he treats me and not how his race has performed in the past.  With that being said, I have dated guys of African, Caucasian, Chinese, Middle Eastern and Indian decent.  Each guy came with his own baggage but I don’t believe it was related to his race rather his individual personality.

One of the issues that I found myself wondering about is not dating outside of my race but marrying outside of my race.  Dating is one thing because you are casually seeing each other and spending time together but dating at my age should lead to a lifelong union.  Being a southern girl makes it a little difficult to imagine this possibility, not because of my personal feelings about other races but because:

  • I have four families: one is country, one is ghetto, one is bougie and the other is just southern.  I won’t let you know which is which but if you ever meet them you will be able to determine for yourself.  When I date a guy, I tend to close my eyes and imagine him navigating through these worlds with me.  Sometimes my eyes jolt open quickly with a look of horror on my face.  I can’t imagine being married to someone that would not fit in or feel comfortable around all of my family members.
  • Southern girls like soul food.  I have become adept at eating other cuisines and can find something on any menu that will be appealing to my palate but my idea of Sunday dinner is something like fried chicken, collard greens, corn bread, macaroni and cheese and some type of dessert.  I will always enjoy other foods but if you ask about my favorite…
  • Three sets of my four families are members of the AME Zion denomination.  It’s not impossible that I would switch denominations because love makes you do crazy things but the likelihood of me making the transition would require a lot of thought and commitment.
  • It’s a hair thing…  There are some aspects of the Black experience like why I have to get a perm every four weeks, why I don’t wash my own hair, why I tie my hair up with a scarf at night, why I grease my scalp, etc that I just don’t want to have to explain or to be scrutinized about.
  • I don’t deal with racist people very well.  I once worked for a guy that I found out was racist and was openly using racial slurs when I wasn’t around.  Needless to say, I felt it was my duty to confront him about it.  I dated a guy once who wouldn’t introduce me to his parents because they couldn’t accept him dating a Black woman.  I am nothing to be ashamed of personally or professionally and don’t believe anyone should have to make an exception for me in any situation.  I fear being put in this situation and not being able to have a relationship with my in-laws or feeling as if they are “tolerating” me.

Interracial dating has always been a part of my dating history, the issues that I have described my sound superficial but glazing over them maybe okay in the short term but for me, they may cause problems in the long term.  All of the issues described above are also applicable for intraracial dating, they just happen to be magnified when dating outside of my race.

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13 thoughts on “Interracial Dating

  1. A union between two people is not simply imposing your views and your heritage and your culture upon that person and then determining “how they treat me.” (If you reread your article it seems a little one-sided.)

    As someone (yes, I’m a white male) who spent 15 years in the south, eating soul food, running out to buy Dr. Miracle’s Super formula perm, helping to sew in weave in those hard-to-reach-places, and visiting an array of “charismatic” black churches, some of us CAN make the transition.

    One more thing… I don’t care if you were engaged to Barack Obama, someone, somewhere on your side of the family is going to disapprove!

    In closing, it will be you making the commitment to marry this man and raise a family, not your family. Regardless of race, stick to your own decisions.

    Interesting article. Very rarely does an article post to Twitter that we don’t read.

    We’re Interracial Love Magazine – #1 for Interracial Dating, Race in America, and Black/White Culture.
    http://www.interracial-love.com

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    • One of the joys of blogging is not feeling obligated to be politically correct or to present both sides of a situation. I just like to state my opinion and hope that readers, like yourself, will come along and share your experience. There a millions facets to interracial dating and I felt like sharing a few of mine. I have no doubt that there are other men like you out there… I just haven’t met one.

      By the way, the fact that you referred to black churches as “charismatic” kind of makes my point…

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  2. Kudos on another brilliant post, LaKesha.

    Being a 6’4″ Caucasian American married to a beautiful 5-foot-something Into-Fijian-Australian means being gawked at wherever we go, especially by Indians (who shoot a ‘death stare’ at her that has to be seen to be believed). It would be hard to imagine a couple with less in common than she and I — what we share can’t be seen, it can only be felt.

    As you write, cultural obstacles are many. Hurdling them almost always results in personal growth — and I can now make a kick-ass chicken curry.

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  3. Carolyn says:

    Lakesha, this is a very touchy subject that I felt compelled to give my opinion on! As an African American woman, I usually (not always) date caucasian men. I find that the black men that I have dated in the past have been disrespectful and unappreciative, brazenly so! Although I do get stares and angry looks when I am with a white man I don’t care. I believe I deserve a man who will love and appreciate me for me and together we can navigate through the rest, no matter what family or friends think about that. The bottom line is that I have to feel comfortable and happy no matter what the mans’ skin color! I have dealt with the unappreciative to the downright abusive, black and white and let me tell you color does not matter! Lakesha look for happiness and the rest will fall in place!

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  4. Carolyn and Joe, thank you for your comments. I wholeheartedly agree that happiness is the overriding factor that we should seek. I think alot of people discount the things that make them happy because they are not politically correct to discuss. The issues that I discussed in the post are things that are important to me regardless of someone’s skin color because I have dealt with them within my own race as well.

    However, I think in order to be successful in an interracial relationship and any other relationship, you have to acknowledge what it takes to make you happy because if you are not happy, it doesn’t matter how much money, sex or anything else your partner has, you won’t be fulfilled.

    So far, this blog has been one of the highest viewed of those that I have written to date. Thank you all for reading and to those who shared their comments. This is an open forum where I hope any and every one will free to discuss their opinions.

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  5. Cindy Reese says:

    I know where you are coming from, LaKesha. I used to think that I had to be with a black man in order to have that comfort level. But, in my experience, I’ve never been more free than in the interracial relationship I have now. He doesn’t have any preconceived notions about my Blackness or the fact that I’m from rural Alabama. I can wear my hair natural, eat chow mien and listen to country music if I want (which I do all those things). He also lets me fry my chicken and make cornbread to go with that chow mien. I didn’t feel that I had that freedom when I dated black men–but it was probably just the men. That’s what it all comes down to in the end.

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  6. Tracey Burnett says:

    Why is it that when Black women mention their interracial relationships, they have to preface it by mentioning how awful Black men are to them? Date who you want, you don’t have to justify it. We (Brothers) don’t really care, I know I don’t!

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  7. Once again I thoroughly enjoyed your posting. It was a great way to introduce the show. Interracial dating isn’t for everyone, but I deeply believe that shouting out people solely based on race is a mistake. People are people in the end, and we should be open to people and the love that could result from having such an open heart.

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